Wednesday, September 08, 2004 /

i have a secret - a REAL one (nobody knows but me). and it's so painful to let it remain a secret. i feel horribly sick and tired of it, so effing frustrated.

I DONT LIKE IT.
i don't know what to expect, what to think, what to believe. i don't even know who i should listen to. so many people tell me that there's a possibility. a high possibility. all the encouragement only builds me up, to make me fall harder. they only hear my side of the story, but the way i see it .. it's hardly possible at all. and this ceasation of my belief/fantasy/dream or whatever i wish to call it, it's kinda disappointing and depressing. even though i knew all along that it would all amount to this. urgh.

sometimes i just think about it, or the thought just pops into my head at random - and i'm either filled with elation or with revolting disgust at myself. I DONT LIKE IT AT ALL!!

maybe i'm just .. -sigh- i don't know okay!

anyway, i saw C (for cute!) on the bus today. -sloppy grin- it's always some consolation to be distracted by something more .. happy. :)

okay, blogger is down. i've been trying to publish the changes made to my bloody blog, but it's not working! so this entry probably won't turn up either. which might not be such a bad thing after all right. SO ANGSTY.

char | 10:25 pm